Emulation

About: I often ponder on what love is supposed to be. As a 15 year old, I should be least concerned
but I am only human after all. Some language might be considered deregatory, proceed with caution.
And the reason for that is I have been called "that" by quite a lot of people.
And it is also a reason why I don't usually open up to many, until I trust them.

was it ever real?
or was it a figment of my imagination
did i ever feel love?
or was it just a pathetic attempt
from me, to emulate it
to feel as if i am in love
just to forget it, the next moment

i guess i am not fine, after all
its just me, being an "attention whore"
or perhaps, a people pleaser?
and i guess my fear to lose people
turned into a parasite
living in my brain, and even my heart
dictating my life

i wish it was over,
but it never started, either
but still somewhere in me lives the spark
of the things i used to think about
when i saw them
still waiting to ignite
those old feelings, once again

i guess the love i know
is not love
and maybe the one i keep finding, is
but i dont want that
because i see them differently
but they perceive me, indifferently to their friends
but to me? they are more than friends

and i keep bottling the emotions up
just to wake up the next day
and to find myself in love again
with someone else.

bee.
26th May, 2024